Tuesday, February 28, 2006

It's Baby Day!

Well I just had my first serious blog SNAFU. I wrote a beautiful entry about babies and accidentally closed it without saving it. Genius. Now I know. So, I will try to recreate, but quickly because I must get to work.

Today is baby day for my brother and his wife. This is number three, and while my sister-in-law is my age, numbers one and two are in fifth and seventh grade. I cannot imagine starting over at this point.

They can go out (or at this point, could go out) and leave the kids at home, alone. They can run to Home Depot, eat at restaurants, and go in a store without fear of someone pulling everything off the shelves. They can sleep all night and leave the laptop on the coffee table. They have no gates in their house, no locks on cabinets, and no ban on small objects.

But, that is all about to change. She is in the hospital already, getting induced. I wish it was me (not the induction part, but the birth part). Giving birth is the most unbelievable experience I have ever had and wish I could do it a hundred times. I guess, physically I could. But, I have been struggling lately with if I really want more kids.

I do. I do. My body and heart do. I crave the feeling of growing another life in my body. Those tiny kicks, hiccups, and elbows across the belly. Rearranged intestines, a constant need to pee, and an extra fifty pounds are all amazing to me. Stretchy belly skin, protruding belly buttons and feet too big for their old shoes. Ah...Even better than pregnancy is the actual birth.

It is impossible to describe to someone-that moment when you pull your baby onto your chest and your eyes meet for the first time. They seem comforted, they seem to understand. It is like the missing piece of a puzzle that you have been working on for nine months. It is the strongest statement in our mortal life of God's power and grace. It is hope for the future.

You body transforms, contorts and reshapes itself to deliver the future right on your doorstep. I want to do this again. But, as my mom used to say every time I wanted a new kitten, those "kittens" grow up into cats. And, those cats take a lot...a lot of everything.

I already have three boys, so the odds are not looking good for me to have a girl. Boys are wonderful, but they need clothes, food, activities (sports, equipment, clubs, bikes, lessons, clinics, camps), school supplies, toys, and more. Bath is full and always ends with water all over the floor. Lunch for the family of grilled cheese uses almost a full loaf of bread. An outing to a movie? Might as well make a car payment. And, then their is the issue of their education.

Plus, my time. One needs me here, the other there and a third at home. I need to watch this, help with that, and fix the other. Each is different and requires a different response, a different approach, and a different kind of love. So, you are probably wondering why do I have to decide now if I want more later? Because it is me and I am a planner, an organizer.

So, like every new project that I tackle or every mess that I organize-I am going to start with what I know. I know that I am ready to move on from baby stage at this point and if I have another baby, I will just get new stuff. That means I am ready to clean the attic out and say goodbye to my baby gear, clothes, and toys. I know that I am not ready to have another baby this year, or even next year. And, I know that I want to hold the opportunity open to reconsider at any point after that.

While I know one more at this point would take me over the edge, I still wish it was me today giving birth. I long for that special moment every time I see a tiny baby face or a pregnant woman. I want to grab her by the shoulders and say, "Do you realize what you are about to do?" in hopes that she too, will overlook the pain of childbirth and focus on the hope God delivers to mothers' hearts. It won't be my magic moment today, but it is still magic. And, I will certainly thank God when I look into the eyes of my new niece or nephew for the first time today.

I will post the sex once it is revealed.

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