A Revelation

At the close of my last entry, I think I had a revelation about my body image issues. It isn't so much about wanting to be accepted by boys (although that period in my life was still traumatic and difficult), it is more about wanting to be accepted by girls.

I have always had a difficult time maintaining friendships with females. I don't know why, but I just sort of suck at it (and I am sure if I thought hard enough about it I could figure out some reasons why I suck at it). I was one of those girls who my best friends in high school were always boys. I had a hard time relating to girls my age, and I still find successfully maintaining female relationships one of my greatest challenges.

So, now I see that perhaps feeling skinny makes me feel more powerful than other women in the room, sending a message that I don't need them to like me. Hmmm. This sounds a bit crazy, but I think I am on to something. In fact, I am certain there was a point in my adult life when I picked friends who were "worse off" than me because I felt they needed me more and wouldn't leave me for better opportunities.

That said, this also goes back to that same period of my life (around 5th to 7th grade) where I had a huge and devastating shift in friends. The move from fifth grade in our elementary school to sixth grade in the junior high merged our small group of friends with kids from other elementary schools. Somehow, lots of them knew each other and new clicks formed, that did not necessarily include me. Then, my life-long best friend that had moved away (and we were still friends long distance) moved back, and for some reason, we were not really friends again. My only other friends developed interests that I did not share and I sort of found it difficult to fit in there too.

Like I said, I am still challenged by my female friendships. In fact, in my mind, I seem to always wait for my friends to leave me. I worry and fret over the state of friendships and work hard to do the best I can in them, but I still feel as though things are temporary and investing is dangerous. Sometimes I think I invest too much too earlier and I scare friends away, then I think that is crazy, just follow the path of the relationship as it naturally develops and I do that (sometimes with success, sometimes not).

I do think I have made significant progress in this area over the past few years and now have several successful friendships (but, I will confess that this issue was a topic of some counseling while I was pregnant with Samuel and I have only recently succeeded in the past few years due to conscious effort). Anyway, the point is is that I really think that my body image issues stem from my need or desire to be accepted and included in that mainstream "girlfriend" culture, which I feel I have always been on the outside of. Enough.