Dear Britany,

I defended you that one time when you almost fell with Sean Preston, 'cause I know we all sometimes trip, but now you have gone way beyond the defendable. I am in line at the store on Sunday, with all three of my kids (who were rolling on the floor of the store, grabbing candy and trying to play the lottery machines), when I see a tabloid with a picture of your two children on the front. They were hysterically screaming, with arms in the air and seemingly saying your name. The headline read, "Help Us."

Wow, now that is some powerful journalism. Can't the government intervene? I mean this is a serious crisis. They are no doubt stuck in some horribly large house with a nanny all day until you need them to prop in front of the press--oh, the torture. Who would have ever thought that K-Fed should get the kids? I mean, really Brit, it does seem he is more stable. Gangstas can make good daddies too, ya know.

And, what is with that valley girl act you do for the press. I feel so bad for you when you do that. Do you think it is funny? Do you think it sounds cool? You really just sound totally insane when you do that. Hello, valley girls were popular when I was in like 5th grade and while my friend Lisa told me leg warmers were back, I have not seen any signs of valley girls making a come back (Ah, I still remember the best Lisa Frank metallic sticker I had that said, "Gag me with a spoon.").

So, do us all a favor and just go away, sort of like Lindsey Lohan just did! See? Now it is all mysterious and her whereabouts are unknown and she is receiving some undisclosed medical treatment and the press is stalking her mother's house. can't you just do something normal like that? It seems you had another car chase yesterday in Beverly Hills. really, you should just get some like Ford Explorer or something. Your black Mercedes is just a little too obvious.

Okay, that is all I have to say now. But, you cannot count on me to defend your actions any more. I am so over it. You just have gone too far over the deep end. I don't care what your excuse is--I know, the Mickey Mouse Club can really cause some serious PTSD, but some how, you need to find the strength to move forward, or move to France like Michael Jackson did.

Love, your pal....

K