My Tantrum

I lost my temper tonight for what I would call the second worst time since being a mom. And, it was over the dumbest thing. Really, it was like just one little fit over my limit. I am just tired of fighting kids, fits, whining, bossing, etc. Eight years we have heard that stuff--enough is enough.

I hate it. I feel horrible. And I cannot take a second of it back. It is the strangest thing too. In the moment, my brain was telling me to chill out to redirect my attention to being nice and understanding because anger wasn't working. But, I was so in the moment and felt like the battle was on and if I stopped at that moment, I would have been defeated. I was so wrong.

I gave a warning, he chose to ignore it. I saw it with my own two eyes. I told him to go upstairs and wait for me for a story. He wouldn't go. I carried him. A huge fit erupted and I mean a fit of like a tantruming three year old (he will be six in a few weeks). I tried to ignore and just tell him to wait for me. The fit raged harder and harder. He was hysterical, not listening to me, thrashing--oh, you know, you have probably seen it once or twice.

I got mad. He got madder. I yelled. He screamed louder. He started to tear his bed apart. I got madder. Finally I said I had to walk away. He screamed louder. I stood on the steps and said, no I mean yelled, "Look how mad I am, don't you get this?!" Ugh. Blaming someone else for my anger. That is so wrong. I chose to be angry, he didn't make me.

I eventually locked myself in my room to calm down for a minute and take some deep breaths. When I came out I declared I would no longer give that behavior any attention and as long as he was tantruming, I would completely ignore him. He came downstairs once during that time. Walked down the steps came in to the family room and sat down on the floor and started up again. I didn't even speak. Carried him upstairs and went back down.

I went on with the evening routine with the other boys. He eventually came around and gave in, turning the tears (fake tears and baby talk) off. But, for me, it's too late. The damage is done. I feel horrible. I apologized and so did he. I apologized to the other two too and promised I was going to change my yelling and anger because it isn't right--period. I told them it isn't okay to treat people like that and that I regretted it and would never do it again. I don't want them to be afraid of me--I don't want to be afraid of me.

Enough is enough and I am tired of the fights and fits, but still under no circumstances would I ever try to justify or rationalize my behavior. I was wrong and I feel horrible. Why am I telling you? Because I think I feel like if I totally own it and say it, I can move on. I feel like that makes me not a coward and gives me the strength to change it. Forward I go.