Sunday, October 19, 2008

My Tantrum

I lost my temper tonight for what I would call the second worst time since being a mom. And, it was over the dumbest thing. Really, it was like just one little fit over my limit. I am just tired of fighting kids, fits, whining, bossing, etc. Eight years we have heard that stuff--enough is enough.

I hate it. I feel horrible. And I cannot take a second of it back. It is the strangest thing too. In the moment, my brain was telling me to chill out to redirect my attention to being nice and understanding because anger wasn't working. But, I was so in the moment and felt like the battle was on and if I stopped at that moment, I would have been defeated. I was so wrong.

I gave a warning, he chose to ignore it. I saw it with my own two eyes. I told him to go upstairs and wait for me for a story. He wouldn't go. I carried him. A huge fit erupted and I mean a fit of like a tantruming three year old (he will be six in a few weeks). I tried to ignore and just tell him to wait for me. The fit raged harder and harder. He was hysterical, not listening to me, thrashing--oh, you know, you have probably seen it once or twice.

I got mad. He got madder. I yelled. He screamed louder. He started to tear his bed apart. I got madder. Finally I said I had to walk away. He screamed louder. I stood on the steps and said, no I mean yelled, "Look how mad I am, don't you get this?!" Ugh. Blaming someone else for my anger. That is so wrong. I chose to be angry, he didn't make me.

I eventually locked myself in my room to calm down for a minute and take some deep breaths. When I came out I declared I would no longer give that behavior any attention and as long as he was tantruming, I would completely ignore him. He came downstairs once during that time. Walked down the steps came in to the family room and sat down on the floor and started up again. I didn't even speak. Carried him upstairs and went back down.

I went on with the evening routine with the other boys. He eventually came around and gave in, turning the tears (fake tears and baby talk) off. But, for me, it's too late. The damage is done. I feel horrible. I apologized and so did he. I apologized to the other two too and promised I was going to change my yelling and anger because it isn't right--period. I told them it isn't okay to treat people like that and that I regretted it and would never do it again. I don't want them to be afraid of me--I don't want to be afraid of me.

Enough is enough and I am tired of the fights and fits, but still under no circumstances would I ever try to justify or rationalize my behavior. I was wrong and I feel horrible. Why am I telling you? Because I think I feel like if I totally own it and say it, I can move on. I feel like that makes me not a coward and gives me the strength to change it. Forward I go.


Anonymous said...

It was really brave of you to post that entry! I totally know what you mean about being pushed to the limit and reacting instead of doing what you really know is the right thing and walking away or ignoring the behavior. I have been so sorry and regretted when that has happened at our house. I think when you get to a breaking point with certain behaviors, it only takes something minor to make it blow up. Feel bad for a few minutes and then let it go, forgive yourself and move on (just like you said!)


Kathleen said...

Yes, forward you go! I think your boys are so blessed to have a mom that can be that open and honest about emotions...As much as you regret your behavior, I think you turned an ugly experience into a time of teaching--as much as we hate to admit it, it's very real and we have all been there. So brave of you share this...